There are many exams in all aspects of life and kids are being prepared for them from an early age. These endless races drag people to uncertainty causing psychological disturbances. People who are affected by exams are the ones who have a low tolerance for negative emotions and have low self-confidence. An average amount of anxiety is beneficial for success and leads to taking action, however, intense anxiety brings only harm.
Sometimes parents pay extra attention and interfere in their child’s eating, sleeping habits and the way they dress, work and socialize. Sometimes, they do not interfere but the look in their eyes says everything. Anxiety and fear of failure show themselves in their eyes. Children suppress the anxiety that they carry during their life and it causes a hard time for their brain to process, filter and regulate them. The human brain can regulate anxiety even if it is too intense, but it cannot regulate or process the anxiety that was transferred from someone else to us.
Parents sometimes may want their children to complete what is missing in their own life. They perceive the child as their extension who needs to finish what was left unfinished by their parents. In such cases, there is tremendous anger in the child’s inner world. He/she can be passive-aggressive, offended, withdrawn, have self-pity or can direct their anger to themselves. Or the child may reflect this anger toward exams and seem dissociated from the exam. It is necessary to be sensitive to their needs and wishes.
What is healthy here is that parents separate their own feelings from the feelings of their children and often remember that everyone is a different individual. In order to manage this unconscious process, it is necessary to do differentiation practices as such "my child is a different person from me. Our wishes can be different. Everyone is entitled to their own wishes." There is a neuronal pathway for every information we have learnt throughout our lives. The subconscious learns through repetition. Every practice creates a new neuronal network in our brain, if the practice is done for six months, then the neuronal pathways develop fully. Thus, our brain completes learning that new information.
Confidence doesn't develop overnight
From a young age, the child gets to know themselves through their parents. Are they a good person, a successful person, able to overcome difficulties, are they strong? All the answers come from their parents. Children see and know everything about themselves in the mirror of their parents. A student's self-confidence is one of the most important factors affecting their feelings about an exam. The biggest reason for this feeling of trust is related to how much the family trusts them. If the student's parents believe that he/she will succeed, the child adds this to their identity and takes the exam comfortably. However, if the parents don't have such a feeling, if they see their child as inadequate, mirror neurons give this message to him/her, even if they don't verbalize it.
Exam time causes anxiety. During this time, we can say that the family must have the belief that their child will succeed; otherwise, this self-confidence does not develop. This is not something that will happen in a day. Giving advice to instill self-confidence and making suggestions when the child doesn't need it, causes more anxiety. It is important for the family to be informed about this matter.
What parents should do?
Mirror neurons in our brain tend to copy the emotions of other people, especially people who are important to us. If their parents' anxiety is too intense, it will pass on to their children. It may be helpful for the anxious parent to have less emotional contact with the child on exam day. It is good for the child to communicate and spend some time with a relaxed, carefree parent or anyone they feel close to when their anxiety is high. On exam day, if a carefree, relaxed person accompanies the student, after a while, he/she starts to gradually relax.
Fighting in front of your child spoils the child’s mood. Making your child a referee in arguments only gives them more negative feelings. It is a lot easier for a person who is in a peaceful environment without negative discourses to concentrate their energy on learning.
Your child, sometimes, may want to chat with you as parents from time to time and want to establish a relationship. At that time, it is important to give them the attention and love they want and to spend quality time together. Here, when the child wants to spend time with the family, the family should spend time with them as much as needed and in the way it is needed. Instead of saying "study for the exam, it's not the time now" creates negativity; instead, you must focus on positive sentences. Healthy relationships release the hormone oxytocin in our brains. This hormone makes it easier for us to regulate negative emotions such as inadequacy, anxiety and fear. The child can benefit from that during stressful times, such as exams.
Sometimes your child may want to be alone. It's good to respect them when they want time only for themselves. Intense love creates feelings of occupation and suffocation in the person. Forcing your child who does not want to talk and wants to go to their room will cause harm. Again, being alone from time to time is important in clearing bad feelings. While interacting with others, our brain receives a tremendous amount of emotions, good or bad. Our brain needs to filter, regulate and absorb them. While being alone the brain does nothing and can concentrate on working our emotions.
Parents should be able to motivate their children and themselves. If positive messages are given to the student when needed and if they are left alone when they need, the child can regulate their anxiety about exams. Messages highlighting that they will fail, can’t make it, or they are not capable, cause deep damage. However, messages giving confidence, compassion and encouragement like "you can do it, we are here for you, you get this" can increase students’ self-confidence. Again, even these positive messages should be given at the right time and in the right way. Otherwise, they don’t do anything but cause anxiety.
It is important that parents know the limits and needs of the young person. Sometimes parents can confuse the wishes of their child with their own dreams and desires. Setting goals that are unattainable or that the child does not want, increases anxiety. Such a situation can lead to unwillingness, fatigue, and therefore, to failure. For this reason, it is healthy for the student to set the goals themselves. Being able to read a child’s needs and emotions is a skill they need to develop.
It is necessary to stay away from comparison. Parents may have a sense of competition with someone they know through their child, without realizing it. For example, parents can think their own child should be more successful than a neighbor's child. Parents who unconsciously make the child their own parts may be trying to complete their feelings of success and competence through them. This lowers the student’s energy and pushes them into rebellion, either openly or implicitly.
It is very important for parents who are experiencing extreme levels of exam stress to review their inner world first. The most useful approach in this process will be for them to differentiate their own expectations, wishes and plans from their child’s needs and wishes, and then evaluate their child’s capacity accordingly.