Violence is any behavior that causes physical or psychological harm to a person by applying force and pressure. Generally, when violence is mentioned, only physical harm comes to mind. However, violence can take on several forms, such as a look, a gesture or a tone of voice. The negative emotion transfer, for example, is psychological violence – and this type is very commonly unrecognized.
The self-perception and tolerance of negative emotions are the product of the relationship established with first caregivers from birth to the age of 6. During this period, the child sometimes receives good and sometimes bad feelings from caregivers. Based on these feelings, they develop a concept of self and the other.
What is healthy is that the good image gradually grows as a result of the increasing progress of positive emotions, and thus the child can tolerate the bad feelings created as a result of bad experiences. In this way, the child not only creates a unified self but also gains the ability to regulate their emotions by getting rid of the destructiveness of negative emotions.
A person who has not gained this ability immediately begins to perceive themselves as being slighted by nature and situations, such as being rejected, disappointed, expectations going unfulfilled, setting limits, being inadequate or unsuccessful. And as a result, they feel intense destructive emotions. When they cannot tolerate this feeling, they start projecting it to the other. They can do this psychologically or physically. The aim here is to try to escape from the negative emotions felt by putting it on the other.
Think of someone whose abilities are underdeveloped and rejected by their partner. In the light of this information, the following scenario will emerge: There will be moments when the person feels happy because they are loved by their partner in their mind; on the other hand, there will be moments when they feel worthless or unhappy, and their world is destroyed because they have been rejected.
Another starting point is childhood traumas. The human brain thinks that by repeating a trauma it has experienced, it will get rid of the emotions of this trauma.
When physical or psychological violence is experienced at home during childhood, the child perceives the perpetrator as a valuable, strong and dominant person, whereas they perceive the victim as a weak, damaged and worthless person. The victim feels horrible, and the perpetrator feels superior. So there is a weak person and a strong person in the scenario. The child in the relationship will make a decision: to be a victim or perpetrator? The brain does not think ethically or logically. It thinks whatever way it feels good.
What the child will do to get rid of the feeling of this event is either to play the role of the perpetrator of violence, that is, to stay on the superior side by identifying with the aggressor, or to continue the same relationship system by attracting people who have the potential to inflict violence on them, while remaining on the victim side. Mostly they do both. In some relationships they are a victim; in others, they are cruel. A healthy relationship is a mystery to them. And the hell they know is always better than the heaven they don't.
Parents should modify the way they approach their children to build a healthier generation in the future. They need to teach them as below.
Until the first year, the baby feels a divine power. Because, when they think about what they need, their need is met instantly. For the parents, being the slave of the baby, so to speak, is a good thing for this period. Because the baby cannot survive physically and psychologically alone, it is essential to go whenever they call, to be there for whatever they need and to meet that need with compassion. However, after the age of 1, it is necessary to prepare the child for real life gradually, with compassion, without terrorizing. In real life, there are limits, delays, setbacks, resentment and rejections as well as compassion and kindness. It is necessary to gradually prepare the child for them. Otherwise, they will expect everyone, especially their partner, to treat them like a prince all their life, and they will force their partner to do so when their expectations are not fulfilled.
“Everyone can feel positive and negative emotions, it is normal.” However, this does not legitimize the use of violence against the other. In order for parents to teach this, they need to make peace with their negative emotions, regulate them and avoid physical and psychological violence at home. If they say, 'I couldn't stand it, I lost it so I insulted, I shouted' as an adult, the child will use the same sentences when they grow up. The child learns "to endure the pain" from adults.
“Rejection is normal. People sometimes reject you. You have the right to refuse, too.” In order to teach this knowledge, the child must be given the right to say “no” in the family, to refuse, to protect their borders as long as they do not harm someone else and violate someone else's border.
This information above is known to some and is being heard for the first time by others. While it is difficult for many to even comprehend, it is more difficult to implement. However, if the parents intend to get to know and work on themselves as they realize that they have such feelings, it will not only benefit their child but also the next generations. If it doesn't work, the parent unconsciously projects these feelings onto the child. The child tends to copy every positive and negative change.
